All Builders Are Repressed Homosexuals

I have a bunch of plans on the horizon that are going to cost me a lot of money, so I’m doing a whole lot of nothing (and eating mostly pasta) for the rest of this month in preparation. This doesn’t leave me much to blog about, unless my three readers want to hear all about how good Tiger Woods Golf is on the Wii or how much more relaxed I feel in my flat now I’ve chucked out that FUCKING rug. You get the idea of the excitement levels in Richland. There’s no queues for the ride, that’s for sure.

The highlight of the week was Prince at the Dome. It’s tempting to make my contempt for the rebranding of venues the focus of this blog – I still go to the LA2, The Camden Palace, and yes, the fucking DOME – but my rage was reserved for the monumental arsehole who was allocated a seat next to me and Nas. A fat, bald, drunken, racist, sexist, homophobic, philistinal moron who epitomises everything I hate about this country in 5’8″ of pure cunt.

I did some crude self-pitying calculations of the odds of being allocated seating next to a cunt in a 20,000 capacity venue and still thought I was a victim of a decidedly unlikely 2000/1 shot.

He took to me straight away, leaning in, putting his arm round my shoulders, and slobbering into my ear about how funny black women look when they dance, supplementing this with an impression that looked more like a chicken on speed – how crap Prince was and how he was glad he hadn’t paid for his ticket, and then finally came out with “Ere, mate, tell me when all the gay shit is over. I’m a facking builder, mate – I don’t like all that facking gay shit.”

I started some cost/benefit analysis of shoving my thumb far enough into his eye socket that I could press the reset button on his temporal lobe, but was interrupted by matey’s long-suffering wife/girlfriend who leaned over sympathetically and asked, “What’s he sayin’ to you, love?” I replied, “He said that all builders are repressed homosexuals.” There was a tense stand-off for a few seconds before he announced ‘Yaw awight, mate’. Of course I am.

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