God Complex

There’s something extremely seductive about Solipsism. Your consciousness is the only thing you can be certain exists, and everything seems to occur within that consciousness, with you at the centre of it.

I doubt things are quite that simple, and indeed Solipsism seems to me to be a form of Psychopathy, but just in case I AM God and I haven’t noticed, here are my commandments.

1. Thou shalt not block the entrances to the platforms on the London Underground lest God shall be tempted to smite ye in front of thine oncoming train.

2. Thou shalt not puncheth thy neighbour’s face outside ye olde ale-house for little or no reason – Instead, thou shalt accepteth thy inadequacy.

3. Thou shalt cleanse thy spirit by taking a scented communion of fire with the sacred plant whenever thou requireth a fresh perspective.

4. Thou shalt not deny thy neighbour of pizza. Though shalt divide thy thin-crust pepperoni by quarters, and thou shalt devour the remainder of what has escaped, of what you have been left by the Lord.

5. Thou shalt not lubricate thy tongue with the filth that is Carling. Carling maketh the Lord weep, but he weepeth tears of Pilsner Urquell. And so drinketh the Lord’s tears, for they are full-flavoured and golden.

 6. Thou shalt make up the rest thyself for the Lord resteth upon the 6th commandment and re-commenceth the work he is being paideth to do.

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5 Responses to God Complex

  1. Nas says:

    I have 1 raised eyebrow pointed directly at you.

  2. Fraser says:

    These are all very good, but I feel short-changed. Should there not be ten?

  3. recoder says:

    I am a lazy God with a short attention span.

  4. McKinley says:

    Ok. This is the last time I tell you how incredible your latest post is.
    Oh. Your. God.
    I love #6 the most. If you and Nas for some random reason end up in Toronto on holiday after I’ve moved back, you HAVE to meet my friend Derrick. You guys have the same sense of humour and I’d be interested to see you carry on a conversation in biblical english. (olde english?) Meh. Whateves.

  5. ben says:

    totally. thy hath that biblical style down. goes to show that the bible could have been written by anyone.

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