I Hate Star Wars


I love Demonbaby’s blog post ‘I will never, ever, ever watch Napoleon fucking Dynamite’ – I have also never seen Napoleon Dynamite, and I never will. If I’ve told you I’m going to watch it, I was lying. I’d rather deep-fry my own hand.

Likewise, I haven’t seen Star Wars. People have tried to make me sit through it but I zone out straight away. I hate everything about the whole concept of Star Wars. I even resent the fact I have picked up knowledge of Star Wars over the years. Specifically:

I hate his benevolent-looking face. I hate his stupid pointy ears. I hate his pisspoor grammar. I hate the way he duels with people even though he’s as physically intimidating as a toddler who’s lost his mum in the supermarket and has a wobbly lip.

Light sabres
What the FUCK? Pull out a gun and pump the cunt full of lead!

Jar Jar Binks
Me don’t know, and me don’t want to know.

Darth Vader
I already know he’s Luke’s father, and so what if he is, Luke? Your Dad’s a cunt, fuck him up, Millwall style.

Just the word Bloopers makes me want to harm someone. The one I’m always getting told about is the one about the storm trooper banging his head on a closing door and no-one editing it out. Hilarious. As funny as cancer.

The Force
I hate both the use of The Force, and the suggestion of the use of The Force. I hate people who tell people to ‘Use The Force’. You might as well wear a “You are the Weakest Link – Goodbye” t-shirt, you twat.

Princess Leia
Damsel in distress; what a great plot device. And it’s depressing that they still have patriarchal monarchies in the future.

I now better do feel.


12 Responses to I Hate Star Wars

  1. McKinley says:

    You don’t even like movies.

    And you’re so obviously trying to wind people up that this post goes down as one of my least favourites. Try hard.

  2. smarkatch says:

    I’m with you on Star Wars, but your position on Napoleon Dynamite is stupid and wrong AND you know it. You just hate being proven wrong.

  3. recoder says:

    I know, I know – it’s just I’ve been playing nice ever since Jimmysaville-gate and I need to scratch that bitter itch.

  4. mieke says:

    napoleon dynamite isn’t shit, but it is overrated. stand your ground! STAND YOUR GROUND!

  5. smarkatch says:

    That post you linked to was turdish anyway. It had nothing to do with the film, just some chump not wanting to run with the crowd. Wah wah, it’s popular, wah wah, I hate popular, wah wah, loads of people like it so it must be shit. Bollocks to that attitude. It’s a funny film and it’ll leave you with a pleasant afterglow – perfect for a lazy Sunday afternoon. What more do you want from your quirky indie comedy?

    Anyway, that blogger used the expression ‘fagtard’, so fuck their opinion. Homophobic twat.

  6. Richard says:

    The dude with the curly hair just looks so gormless. But not in an endearing way. Oh, and this is why I don’t have birthday parties.

  7. smarkatch says:

    That’s because he is gormless and he’s not meant to be that endearing. There are endearing characters in it, but Napoleon’s not really one of them.

    I remember us having an extensive conversation about this film in Amsterdam. I can’t believe you’d trust some internet douchebag over me when it comes to comedy.

  8. Richard says:

    The fact that he’s called Napoleon in the first place doesn’t help. It makes my skin crawl. But maybe I’ll give it a go after all. Let’s hope deep fried hand is a tasty accompaniment to popcorn.

  9. smarkatch says:

    Fuckin’ misery guts, you are.

  10. Richard says:

    Yeah. Not even Anthony Glass, QC could get me off that charge.

  11. Ladyshambles says:

    Personally I think Jabba should have eaten Princess Leia.

    I fucking hate winging damsels in distress. Especially ones that wear Danish pastries on their heads.

  12. mieke says:

    you’ve obviously missed the point about star wars, it’s not about good story telling, halfway decent acting or convincing dialogue.

    it’s about special effects and merchandising.

    George said so himself.

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