Celebrating our decade of entanglement over tapas and sangria, my beloved and I toasted ourselves by rhetorically asking ‘What’s ten years when death will separate us for eternity?’ – maybe it’s because this is our idea of humour that we’re so well suited.
Between us, we could probably write a gossip magazine advice column, so if you want to strangle your significant other and need some advice (if only on how not to leave any marks on their body) then read our top ten relationship tips:
1. Don’t ask.
2. Don’t tell.
3. Suppress that rage until you can release it in a harmless and solitary endeavour, before it manifests itself as a fatal blow to the head.
4. Denial is a coping mechanism evolved over millions of years. Don’t deny yourself denial!
5. Sex isn’t everything, but when it’s something, it shouldn’t involve tears.
6. Don’t ever say ‘Why can’t you be more like me?’
7. A good measure of your relationship is the ratio between the number of times you offer to make your sweet baboo a cup of tea and the number of times you are offered a cup of tea by your sweet baboo – don’t let it exceed 3:2 otherwise you are WHIPPED, my friend.
8. If someone refers to you as their sweet baboo, the only appropriate response is, ‘I’m NOT your sweet baboo’.
9. Ignore people who tell you to talk about your problems. They clearly take life seriously, and should therefore not be taken seriously. This tip is not to be taken seriously.
10. If in doubt, go on holiday. If you’re going to alternate between bickering and uncomfortable silence, you might as well catch some sunshine while you’re at it.
NB If you’re unfortunate enough to be unfamiliar with Peanuts, ‘Sweet Baboo’ is what Sally Brown calls Linus Van Pelt, to his great discomfort.