It turns out I didn’t have to worry about getting too closely acquainted with my new desk-neighbour. He got fired. All thirty stone of him. He used to take the piss out of me for eating Tuna Valencia. ‘Cat food again?’, he’d sneer contemptuously. I always resisted replying, ‘You have to ask yourself whether my preference for steamed tuna over deep-fried pie is why I can reach into my back pocket without having to take my trousers off first’.
Still, I’ll miss him. He was an extreme representative of the IT-guy fraternity, playing World of Warcraft all day and watching Star Trek all night. Perhaps this is why he so rarely made it into work. You have to admire someone who can be absent more often than not in his first month in the job. Get this – his reference described him as ‘highly reliable’.