Dog’s Life

‘What do you want to do today, my handsome friend?’
‘I thought we might take a stroll in the park.’ (Wags tail)
‘OK, let’s go.’
‘Really?! We’re going now? I’ll get my lead. I’m so excited all of a sudden. Can we play fetch? Here’s my ball. Would you be so good as to throw it as hard as you can in any direction that takes your fancy? I shall take great delight in retrieving it for you as efficiently as possible.

ten vigourous and enthusiastic fetches later…

‘I’m bored of that now. How about you chuck it up high so I can catch it in the air?’

ten successful catches later…

‘You know what? All that running and jumping has loosened me up a treat. I’m going to wander over to the long grass and take a dump. Then I’m going to kick my hind legs backwards, wiping my paws and covering my faeces with a tokenistic dusting of grass and soil.’

after not just the passing of time…

‘Well, that’s the morning walk out of the way – what shall we do next?’
‘I thought you could fuck about on your computer describing a fictitious but semiotically valid self-referential conversation between us. While you do that, I will lie at your feet, interrupting my paw-licking from time to time to pester you for affection.’
‘A fine plan. Are you going to walk around in circles before lying down like you usually do?’
‘Of course!’
‘Why do you do that?’
‘That’s a hard question to answer – the majority of my behaviour is instinctive, rather than the result of reasoning. Also, I have a brain the size of a genetically modified lemon. You’re the smart arse; what do you think?
‘A few possibilities occur to me. It could be an instinctive attempt at flattening the earth beneath you. Or, you could be trying to position yourself such that your nostrils are pointed towards the prevailing breeze. Or it could be taking you awhile to organise your spatial awareness such that you can keep an eye on the door.’
‘…Or I could just have OCD.’
‘I see you’re no stranger to Occam’s Razor, Maddox.’


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