Think of the Children

I love my Aunt. I lived with her for a couple of months after I turned eighteen. I owe her. She has poured gallons of alcohol down my neck over the years, and all I’ve done to repay her is wear out the clutch on her car.

She thinks I’d be a wonderful father. She never had children, which is why she dotes on me. I felt cruel telling her I am never having kids.

As a father, I’d be good at the cuddles and finger-painting. My offspring would enjoy music lessons and advanced literacy. But, but, but.

How could I possibly tell a child of mine to work hard at school? I never lifted a fucking finger, and I’m all right (Jack). Hell, I didn’t even turn up for my GCSE chemistry exam, and I still got a ‘B’. ‘Don’t do drugs, son!’ Yeah, right! I did them for years and years, and they only ever improved things. Don’t smoke cigarettes! Do your homework – it really makes a difference! Don’t drink cans of cheap cider in parks! I never did.


8 Responses to Think of the Children

  1. Nas says:

    to be fair,(and this isnt my way of saying lets have kids – eurgh hate them hate them all!) but you’d have me to say all that stuff so you need to find a better excuse.
    Something like, your girlfriend after years working around kids, has decided once and for all that she thinks they are all a creation of the devil and is under no circumstances (even if she was the one left to repopulate the Earth) willing to fatify her body for devil spawn.


  2. mieke says:

    people who tell me i’d be a great mom scare the shit out of me…

  3. McKinley says:

    You were a devil spawn once, Nas. Does that mean you hate yourself?

    I bet you 50 bucks you guys will have kids within the next 10 years.

    Ben has babies already (namely microphones and guitars and drums) so I’m not sure he has enough love left for human ones.

  4. recoder says:

    I also worry I’d have the parenting skills of this guy:


    (don’t worry, it’s fake)

  5. Nas says:

    no no, not even you could be that stupid…


  6. mieke says:

    i was like miss trunchbull in matilda, i hated kids even when i was one.

  7. Pete says:

    Children are fun!

  8. koof says:

    i cant even sort out my own life, so not fit to organise someone elses!

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