The Big Drop

Cage Fighters

This story caught my eye, not just because it’s heart-warming to hear of a drunken asshole getting humiliated, but also because the words ‘cage fighter’ jumped out at me.

What is it with cage fighters at the moment? I feel as if I hear about cage fighters a lot. Maybe I’m naive, but I had no idea that fighting in a cage has become such a popular activity.

I’ve seen it on tv a few times, and it’s impossible not to comment that after a couple of punches, cage fights end up on the mat, with a lot of crotch-sniffing and general substitution of violence for sex.

I think cage fighting would be better if they got rid of the macho dudes. It should be skinny intellectual guys! Fighters must be over six foot and under 11 stone! The loser’s the first guy to get his glasses broked and his book ripped up! I reckon I could be king of the ring.

TGI Friday’s WHAT?

I went to TGI Friday’s last night, or, as I named it after finishing one of their main courses, TGI Over. It’s the cage fighter’s cuisine of choice. Poached salmon and mint tea are not options.

I would advise caution towards any restaurant with laminated menus. You start to wonder about certain types of people who frequent such places. All the evidence suggests a lot of them need to be protected from themselves before they’ve even ordered a starter.

You ask yourself, ‘why is this menu laminated?’
Well, so you can rinse it under the tap. Rinse it of what, though? Also, you don’t get papercuts from laminated menus. A laminated menu is a limited liability menu.

I had the pork ribs with cold fries and cold onion rings. The ribs were ok, but the sauce? I’m not sure of the exact recipe, but this is close: take a full bottle of vinegar, empty half of it into your eye, then fill up the bottle with a bag of sugar and a tablespoon of bourbon. Stir in the collected fingernail dirt of a thousand tramps, leave it somewhere warm for a couple of days, then absolutely saturate your meat with it. Make sure the meat has absorbed so much of your sticky brew that even an internationally respected food critic couldn’t tell what type of animal your meat used to be.

Look, I’m not saying it didn’t taste good: it did. But as soon as it was sitting in my stomach, I couldn’t wait for it to get the hell out of my digestive system before it could do any permanent damage. I think I know how the pilot of the Enola Gay felt before the big drop. I feel like I ought to write my guts a note of apology on rice paper and send it down there with some steamed fish and vegetables.

That’s not to say I didn’t have a good time.

In a World….

I think the guy behind the new Dixon’s slogan – ‘The last place you want to go’ either had a nervous breakdown or a moment of clarity. It is absolutely true: Dixon’s IS the last place you’d want to go. Maybe he’s also worked on the new Gervais movie, the one that looks so awful you feel like you might give up on life forever if you saw it.

As ever, it’s the tagline that kills me: ‘In a world where everyone tells the truth, he just invented the lie!’

I mean, the concept makes me cringe enough as it is, but the lack of imagination in the ad copy! Someone got paid for that! Someone thought it was a job well done! How many fucking movies are going to be sold as ‘in a world where [parameter], one man just [parameter]!’?

It makes me think creativity only exists to be stifled. If your movie can’t be pitched using the above template, forget about it.

Here’s a few more I think we’ll see come out of Hollywood soon:

  • In a world where people defecate from holes in their neck, he just bought a cashmere scarf!
  • In a world where everyone’s hyper-sensitive to pain but also annoying, he just invented a remote-control cattle-prod!
  • In a world where most people look, sound and act like Simon Cowell, one visionary high court judge is selling immunity from prosecution!
  • In a world where everyone’s a little too dry, he just got damp!
  • In a world where everyone has a camera, he just became a highly skilled but completely unnecessary draughtsman!

Any more for any more?

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11 Responses to The Big Drop

  1. Charlotte says:

    I have no words. Amazing post. I also noticed the cage fighter stuff and I worked out where it all began (it shames me that I know this) –

    Since Jordan split from Peter Andre she has been ‘dating’ a cage-fighter. Hence cage-fighting getting splattered all over the news like a cage fighters face on a floor…

    Still – YAY drag queens. I would have enjoyed it more if they’d been proper transvestites rather than fancy dress cop-outs though ūüėČ

  2. McKinley says:

    Another brilliant quote from that Lying film- “your baby is so ugly it looks like a rat”.

    Huh?

    A complete FAIL of a “yo’ momma” joke rip-off.

  3. mieke says:

    I agree with Charlotte on the queens, now it’s all drag queens are only tough if they’re secretly cage fighters. Any man that can walk in heels is tough as far as I’m concerned.

  4. recoder says:

    Well, I did know a proper tranny who was also a kung fu instructor… I’d write about it if I didn’t think there was a possibility he’d find and kill me.

  5. Amardeep says:

    In a world where there any many good restaurants, one man goes to TGI Fridays.

  6. Dan says:

    I’m relieved to see that I’m not the only person who hasn’t been long familiar with cage fighting. I might even stop the bluffing.

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