My Struggle

recordingI will have some new music on this site before too much longer. It will be as original as a sucked nipple, but about as much fun. It’s taking a hell of a long time for me and my drumming friend to record four songs. We did 12 songs in a week at the end of 2008, and they turned out good. The problem is STUFF. Equipment keeps breaking. Expensive things need replacing.

I’m too tired to think about it. I keep waking up at 4am and not getting back to sleep. Sometimes I go a bit nuts just lying there in the dark. I start hearing that dreadful Bon Jovi song ‘Sleep When I’m Dead’ in my head. The chorus goes: “Til I’m six feet under (baby) I don’t need a bed; gonna live while I’m alive and sleep when I’m dead.”

I hate it so much that I fantasise about kidnapping the singer and locking him in a small room irradiated with brutal fluorescent lighting. And every time he looked like he was about to fall asleep, I’d pipe that chorus in at 120 decibels. Six days or so ought to do it. I’m kidding.

At least I have things to look forward to. I’m going back to Barcelona in June, just after my birthday and in time for the World Cup to begin. And the new Mario Galaxy game is coming out at the same time. No matter how old I get, I never fail to get excited about Nintendo’s latest Mario game. Just look at it!

QI fact of the day (my version): Nintendo was established in 1889 as a playing card manufacturer, and the word means ‘Leave luck with heaven’ in Japanese.

Fries with that

unhappy mealDid you read about the one-year-old Happy Meal™? Someone left a McDonalds burger and fries sitting on a shelf for a year. It didn’t decay. It didn’t go mouldy. It didn’t even smell bad. Maybe if McDonalds did weddings, the divorce rate would go down. Marriages would last longer.

“Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?”
“I do.”
“Do you want fries with that?”
“I do.”

The ushers would be dressed as clowns. “Are you with the McBride™ or the McGroom™?”

I know this is the exact opposite consequence the Happy Meal blogger intended, but I really fancy a Big Mac Meal™ now. But what I should be eating is one of those yoghurts that is marketed as a gut-cleansing miracle. The yoghurts with pseudo-scientific names like Bactivium and Toilutus Regularium.

I saw an advert for one the other day: much was made of the fact it was made with FRESH milk, as if that was a unique selling point, as if all other yoghurts are made with rancid milk coaxed from the udders of a cow with immunodeficiency.

I’m not sure ‘fresh’ is always a positive adjective anyway. When someone gets fresh in a black-and-white movie, they usually get their face slapped as a result.

Money talks

I bet this happened to you when you were a kid: you complained to your mum that you never got any post, and your mum told you that if you wanted people to send you letters, you had to send some letters yourself.

Obviously a lie. If you want people to send you letters, all you have to do is spend their money and not pay it back.

Some German pensioners were so unhappy with a financial adviser who lost all their money that they kidnapped him and kept him locked in a cellar. I guess they wanted to tie him in to a new deal and whatnot. Try the fish, etc.

I just realised there’s a recurring ‘kidnap’ theme to this post. Maybe I need help.


2 Responses to My Struggle

  1. mieke says:

    you’ve just made me feel stupid for trying one of those stupid yoghurts for the next two weeks (though the yoghurts were replaced with copious amounts of beer over the weekend, and thursday and friday, which are kind of the weekend anyway) and for having even less of an urge to get a happy meal now… thanks… 😉

  2. marianne says:

    oh for goodness sake rich, 4 am get out of bed and take a dog for a walk, if you cant do that start doing the ironing….ok, no probs, you are asleep within seconds.

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